butthole cowpuncher

he drank my wine. the very special wine i was given from burkonia. homemade stuff. i was saving it to drink together but he opened it while i was at work. butthole cowpuncher. grrr. and that's just the problem, i'm always at work. i miss my boys. we so very rarely get to be together together. they've become almost like a mini frat and they certainly aren't accepting pledges. i really think its hurting all of my relationships but its not exactly the best time to give up shifts. its been too cold for him to get enough hours but not snowing yet. please let it be a nasty snowy winter. i'm thinking i may cut back my hours at the new year, if make financially this season. i want a break so very badly.

brrr...

its getting colder in scenic morrison which can only mean one thing, halloween. as always, i'm mega excited with big plans and low funds. this will be the first year i'm not making junior's costume which makes me both happy and sad. i know that buying his costume is best. he picked an obscure character, you know me, always a secret, and i fear many won't get who he's supposed to be. meh, its halloween, be whatever you want. i'm totally looking forward to piecing together my costume but fear i'm gonna ending up spending way too much. i'd love to say that it only comes once a year but right before the hoildays, i can't allow meself to get out of hand. sean wants to go to vegas for his birthday early december but i really don't see pulling that together. i've never been to vegas and i certainly don't want him to go without me but the chances of us making it happen are slim. its a trip that just keeps coming up and never seems to go through. its always money. grrr.
time to climb into my warm bed with a big fat book.

just thinking...

feeling strangely confident as of late. perhaps my constant panic has reached another level producing more false hope. i've always been a great self-soother. gonna go ahead and ride with it though, because darnit, i'd like to feel better about things.
performed poorly at work this evening, got frustrated and acted much like the old bean. sans tears, thankfully. hate getting to that point, i except more of meself, i shouldn't let any of it get to me. but that's asking meself to cease feeling and i'm not about to do that. its okay, no need to let it bring me down.
taking a day trip to estes, i love estes. going up for the day with me boys and sean's mom, grandma and an aunt. should be an enjoyable day, shame i hafta cut it short to work. arrr, work, i was trying to change the subject.
my feet hurt and i've got to get up early. another lame attempt at blogging.

motivation level low.

i'm tragically unmotivated today. gonna go ahead and blame it on the heat, but its a weak cop out. should be moppin the kitchen, vaccuuming, shopping for cheaper car insurance but instead have spent the last hour on craigslist looking at bicycles. like i can afford bicycles. or like i'd ride on in the heat. stalling. at least i haven't curled up with my book, yet. meh. wonder what i should cook for dinner. suppose this isn't getting me anywhere either. maybe an afternoon cup of coffee will help.

why do i blogger?

i really don't know why i even bother blogging at all, but sometimes i just feel better after the updating process. things have been hard, i'm not going to lie, but i won't let it steal my sunshine. i may not appear to be cheery round the clock, but i've really been trying to keep my chin up. everything will be fine, somehow.
i live in a house now. we have a love/hate relationship, the house and i. its going to be a long time before its how i'd like it to be, but really look forward to the process. i've always fancied myself d-i-y. its going to be a long process. i'm pretty stoked. as annie would say, "i think am gonna like it here!"
school starts in two weeks. like real school. kindergarten. blow me down. we still need school supplies and some new threads and i'd really like to take a few practice walks to the grounds. i'm a pta mom. new level of old. mind boggling. brennan hasn't sounded too concerned about starting school, he's always been pretty popular. but that was preschool. so many concerns and that's why i'm a pta mom. i will be involved in my son's education. besides, pta mom's help work in the library and i known to be quite fond of alphabetizing. whole other chapter we about to embark on, with mixed emotions.
still want a dog. got this great backyard for a dog. still have too many cats.
guess that's it when leaving out parts and being vague.

i'm a pepper!

so, i wasting time taking ridiculous quizzes via facebook and run across one that tells me what kind of drink i am. curious i allow access and complete the quiz, only to discover that i am indeed a pepper. because facebook says so, it is so. i feel better knowing the truth. i'm exciting and have tons of fun. facebook says so. joy!

and i'm spent

i know that its not a matter of whether or not i'm saying what i feel, it all boils down to the fact that i'm not being heard. i'm at my wits end and questioning things i never thought i would. my heart aches and i'm tired of fighting. i'm beginning to think that my feelings don't matter. but damn do they hurt!